Chapter 5

The train I took back to Devon.

Things are crazy at Devon ever since Finny's accident. Of course, everyone is is talking about it with me and, "I couldn't go on hearing about it much longer" (53). Another thing is that noone is suspecting me. Apparentley being up there, does not make me look suspicious, but I wish someone would accuse me, so that I could defend myself. The other night when I was getting ready for dinner, I put on Finny's clothes, like he did with mine, and I could see myself as him. It was strange, but I had become Phineas. "I had no idea why this gave me such intense relief, but it seemed, standing there in Finny's triumphant shirt, that I would never stumble through the confusions of my own character again" (54). That night I skipped dinner and stayed in my room, feeling transformed. When I woke up, "I was confronted with myself, and what I had done to Finny" (54). Even though the two of us were standing on a thin limb, I feel like I'm the one that moved the limb and made Finny fall. It's confusing and I've been walking around with guilt. A few days ago Dr. Stanpole ran over to me and told me that Finny was better and that I should come and see him. He told me that Finny's break was pretty bad, but that he would be able to walk again. At this news, I was very happy that I hadn't crippled him as badly as I thought. Then Dr. Stanpole told me that Finny wouldn't ever be able to play sports again. At this, I broke down crying. Finny loved sports and had a natural talent for them, and now he would never play another game of football or blitzball, just because of my suppressed anger with him. The doctor told me to be cheerful and said that Finny had asked just for me. I knew why of course, "Phineas would say nothing behind my back; he would accuse me, face to face" (56). When I walked in, he wasn't mad though, and didn't accuse me. He was joking around about how bad I looked. I asked him what he remembered about falling out of the tree, and he said, "I just fell, something jiggled and I fell over. I remember I turned around and looked at you, it was like I had all the time in the world. I thought I could reach out and get hold of you" (57). He also told me how he had a slight doubt that I was the one that jiggled the branch, but he didn't think about that anymore and he felt really bad. I was glad that he was the one feeling guilty, but I also knew it was wrong. I tried to tell him but before I did, Dr. Stanpole came in and the moment was gone. The summer session is also over and I'll be returning home until September.


When Senior year came back around, I headed back to Devon. Since my train was already late, I stopped at Finny's in Boston. When I walked into his house, I was shocked by how pale he looked. He joked about it, and I sat down to tell him the truth. I was really nervous but I knew that it was something I had to do. When I told him, he didn't believe me and said he would kill me if I didn't shut up. I wanted him to and told him to because I was feeling guilty. For some reason, he wouldn't accept it. He told me, "I don't know anything. Go away. I'm tired and you make me sick. Go away" (62). I felt that I was hurting him even more and decided to leave. He made a joke by asking if I was going to start following the rules and I told him I wasn't which was a huge lie.